How To Be EMMETT!
by Gwennii-Twilight
Summary: This guide will be perfect for all the Emmett luvers out there.
1. Saving Emmett

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

Chapter 1- Saving Emmett.

EmmettPOV.

I'm going to make a list of what you need to do, to be like me. Edward looked at me, as soon as I (mentally) said this. " Emmett, WHY ON EARTH would anyone want a guide to being like you?"

" Because i'm special, and everyone loves me. Including Bella." Bella skipped over to me and we snogged. Edward had a look of pure shock on his face. " Bella...." He choked out.

" S'alrite babes, I loves you toos." Wow Bella must be high or something. Oh well .

" I have to get outta here." Edward took off, running at 100 miles per hour. Whooooooo! He's gone!

" Bella, get off me, I'm trying to write a guide here." I shoved her off, and she fell to floor with a FUMPH.

" Oh, Emmie, you know ya want me." What is wrong with her, she had Eddie, even if he does't have sex with her, she still loved him. And besides I love my Rosie. "Not right now Bella, I'm busy" She pouted and walked off. Now where was I? Oh yeah. My guide " How To Be Emmett". Hmmmmmm, where shall I start? I KNOW! I should start with when Rosalie saved me. I'll just leave the part about being turned into a vampire.

**Saving Emmett.**

To become an Emmett, you need to start a fight with a grizzly bear.

And just about when your sposed to die, a gorgeous, sexy babe will come and save you.

When, she runs with you, it will feel like flying with the fairies.

Then you will go to sleep for three days.

And when you wake up, you will be a glorious, big musceled, fit EMMETT!

That's the first step to becoming an Emmett.

Hehehehehe. This book is going to be straight on the best- sellers list. I'm a genius! I'm going to go show my wicked book to Rosie, maybe she'll reward me for it.................


	2. Dealing With Emmett

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

Chapter 2

EmmettPOV

Ok, tee hee hehehehe!

"Emmett! Stop giggling like a maniac on crack!" God. Edwards cranky. Maybe he's overly horny.

"Grrrrrrrrr"

Anywayz. I want to start my second chapter on How To Be........Emmett!. Edward just walked out of the room. I guess he didn't want to listen to my awesomeness. Okay. NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!.

Dealing With Emmett

When you wake up, you will be able to see clearer. When I first woke up, I thought had exray vision. I tried looking at Rosalie's boobs. It didn't work. Pout.

There will be a burning sensation in your throat, to put the fire out you need to drink blood. WARNING! Do not try to attack your wife. (Mentally shudders)

After hunting, grab an XBOX and grab a Jasper, because its fight time!

If Jasper beats you, Challenge him to an arm restle. If you win, Jasper must burn Alice's closet, If you lose, then... you are a rubbish Emmett.

Hehehehehe. I like writing this book. I think i am the smartest vampire ever!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I think that came from more than one vampire...... and possibly from outside this house.............


	3. Annoying Eddie

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

Chapter 3- Annoying Eddie

Tee hee. I'm such a rebel. I think that's why i'm so unbelievably sexy...well other then my gorgeous looks. Edward looked at the same time Alice did. I guess she had a vision, about me writing my 3rd chapter.

"I might aswell save myself the pain" Alice walked away.

"Yes, i myself would like to get away....... oh and Emmett?" Eward looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah?"

"You are not unbelievebly sexy"

"Says the 108 year old virgin". He stalked away. Hehehe , no one can compare with the almighty Emmett.

Anyways! 3rd chapter here I come!

**Annoying Eddie**

The tip topiest way to annoy Eddiekins is to mention something crude about Bella. For example: when Bella walks by, grab her butt and say " Ooooh babe, such a firm ass"

Think about Rosalie naked when he's around. I fthis does not cheese him off, start moaning really loudly;scream Rosalie's name.

Tell him stories of how Sapnish influenze is creaping up on civilization.......

Ask him " Why haven't you had sex?". When he replies, shout "ALWAYS USE A CONDOM!, before he gets the second word out of his mouth.

Kiss him.

Oh this isgoing to be a winner. Oh crap. Edward was standing in front of me with an evil grin on his face.

"Eddie, what's wrong with your face?"

"Oh Emmett, Emmett,Emmett, you'll be asking the same question when i'm done with you."

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Review please!

**Thank you guys, for the reviews.I think this is my best story so far. **

**Luv u Gwennii xxxxx**


	4. Dieting Needs

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

I've decided to put another review up straight away after a review from a very eager reader :). Thank-You

Chapter 4- Dieting Needs.

EmmettPOV.

Oww! My face feels like..... it was punched by a really angry, and possibly overly horny vampire. Which it was.

I've just realised..... the readers don't know what to eat! But how to get around the complication of mentioning i'm a vampire.......? I GOT IT! I'll put metaphorically (of course) that i'm a vampire. I will mention the ups and downs of consuming blood, and what is the best tasting animal. Quick,Quick! Block thoughts! Edward is here.

"Emmett, why are you blocking your thoughts by singing 'American Idiot' by Green Day?"

"Oh,umm...er I was thinking about Rosalie...."

"Thank God for Green Day!" And with that he left the room. Okay chapter 4 here I come!

**Chapter 4 Dieting Needs**

Just for the fun of it, I'm gunna give you the diet of vampire! Because i'm a stupid person. **( a/n teehee, we all know what Emmett really is.) **

I'm a cute vampire, and I only drink the blood of animals. We don't want to be monsters ( Emmett says: See, I can be serious and emotional)

The best thing to eat is a ginormous grizzly bear! The best bears usually have ginormous butts,so always go for the fatties!

When you get too full, the best thing to do is run around in circles for hours. Get a can of energy drink and shove it down Alice's throat. She will join you in your circular marathon.

After drinking all that blood, you may have excess energy........this is where Rosalie comes in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Mental laugh, I am being guarded by Carlisle....thats a different story)

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**Review again please!**

**Thank-You**

**Gwennii**

**P.S can people please check out my partner's stories :) **

**OMEAMC **

**Once again Thank-you**


	5. Practical Jokes

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

This is my best story so far by miles I think. I'd like to make a special thanks to my coolest reviewer Magen/Megan! Thanks for your cool reviews! This chapter is dedicated to you.

I have been asked by my partner to promote my partner's stories. OMEAMC.

Chapter 5- Practical Jokes.

EmmettPOV.

Rosalie has been wondering why I'm always locked in my bedroom. I told her I was playing poker with a sock fairy called Shambles. She hasn't spoke to me since, I think that was three days ago. Truth is I have been playing with ideas for my next chapter, i've decided on writing about practical jokes. Huh. Edward seems to feature alot in this chapter.........

**Practical Jokes**

When playing a practical joke, always make your target Edward. He is the funniest to watch, but you have to plan this when your away from him, otherwise he will know what your planning through your thoughts.

The best way to prank someone, is by involving some sort of pie,cake,cream or cookie mixture. Anything squishy or messy is absolutely AWESOME!

Get Bella to help you when you are pranking Eddie, becaus ethis usually makes it funnier. I remeber the time when me and Bella made cream pie..........it ended up in Edward's face and pants.

Sometimes, pranking Carlisle can be fun, but a prank for Carlisle usually comes with a punishment or a spanking...............

Hehehehehehehehe. I'm begining to love this book......but I miss Rosalie............I ahvn't had sex in a long,long,long time.....excuse me please.

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**HEHEHEHE.**

**Thank you for your reviews, it really does make you feel good when someone reviews your work.**

**Love you guys X**

**Gwennii-Twilight**

**Partners with OMEAMC.**


	6. Shopping With Emmett

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

I've decided to start dedicating chapters to my friends,family and reviewers. So this chapter is dedicated to my little sister, who is soooooo special. Freya.

Chapter 6- Shopping With Emmett

EmmettPOV

Teeheee, i'm so excited! Rosalie is going to take me shopping! Alice will be joining us but, Eddie is going over to Bella's to stalk her. I'm making a mental list of things I will buy. "EMMETT!" Edward shouted from downstairs. I was down them steps in a matter of seconds. " Yeah?"

" Don't buy a red,frilly thong please" He begged me.

"Why? Don't I like good in one?" I showed him a mental picture of me in red thong. There was a gagging noise and a whooosh. Where did he go? Ohwell. I got some money from my room, and went to join Rose and Pixie in the car. I'm going to write a chapter on shopping for my guide, on the way to mall. Here goes.

**Shopping With Emmett**

When you get to the mall, the first shop you go into is a sex shop. This is perfectly good Emmett behavior. Rose will think you are going to treat her, just don't tell her this is to dress up in for fun.

If Shortie aka Alice, asks you to carry her bags, throw yourself on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs "I DON'T WANNA!" .

Take Rosalie into her favourite shop, find Alice, maker her drink Redbull, and run over to the Walmart. (**A/N Is that what they are caled in America? Can someone tell me on a review please?) **

When you get to the Walmart, Alice will be really shaken up and hyper. Play a game of dares, for instance, dare Alice to smash all the plates in the Home isle. Play dares untill you are kicked out by a short, fat man called "guard". What a stupid name.

When you get back to the car, Rosalie will be really angry so, pull out the frilly panties and wave them in her face. She will instantly calm down.

Oh. We are here, good thing I finished my guide. Now I shall test it out............

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**Teheheheheheheheh**

**Review Please!**

**I love You Freya!**

**Gwennii-Twilight XXX**

**Partners with OMEAMC.**


	7. Emmett and msnering

**HOW TO BE.....(HEHE JOKE).....EMMETT!**

Disclaimer- Gwennii **OMCCAEAMCAEMCAMJWH** and Clozzer Cake **OMEAMC**

*OMEAMC(RP)AJB(TL)AF* Do not own any of the Gorgeous Twilight characters or Twilight for that matter, the best writer on the earth Stephenie Meyer does.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- MY FOURTH FANFIC MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. luv u xx

Set at anytime, but Nessie is not born and Bella is still human.

Ok. This chapter is dedicated to my partner Chloe (OMEAMC). This part of the guide will be written by Alice,Edward,Jasper and Rosalie, you'll see why. I'm starting to run out of ideas. I'm limting this story to ten chapters. So I'm getting closer to the end................

Chapter 7- Emmett and msn-ering (teehee)

EmmettPOV.

OHHH I'M SOOOOOOOOOO BORED!. Where is everybody?! I know Esme and Carlisle have gone hunting but, it's so QUIET! Bored,bored,bored,bored,bored,bored,bored,bored!

"EMMETT WE GET THE POINT! YOU'RE BORED!" hmph.

"Well someone come nd make me un-bored then!"

"I'll help!" Alice skitted to my side. "I'll show you a little thing called Windows Messenger, aka MSN. You need to make an account" She wrote up all my details. "There, you are ready to boogie"

Ok. I signed in and I was hit wiht loads of friend requests. Hey this dude looks interesting- AnthonMaryWhitlockHale. I'm going to start talking to him........ **(Alice and the others are writing the guide on msn and sending it to Emmett) **

**Emmett: Heya dude!**

**AnthonyMaryWhitlockHale: Heya man! We're gunna giv ya a guide on how to msn.**

**Emmett:Ok kool, I'm new to this so it will be .**

**AnthonyMaryWhitlockHale: **

Emmett and msn-ering

The first thing you need to do is put pants on your head and dance around. Put webcam on so we can check that you are doing it right.

I put the pants on my head, turned webcam on and danced around. I did the Can-can for a bit then, I did a bit of a lap dance on my teddy bear. I heard laughing but, I didn't think much of it.

The second thing you must do is, get a picture of your father and passionately snog it.

I found a picture of Carlisle and snogged him. Hmmmmm, this is wierd. I didn't know you had to do this sort of thing on the computer. I think my lips are chapped. Again I heard laughing, this is getting suspicious.

The third and final thing you must do is, do everything your family tell you to do. AND I MEAN EVERYTHING!

Ok. Yay, I'm almost finished msn-ering! I need to find Alice and do stuff for her. "Alice!"

"Yeah Emmett?" She looked very innocent.

"Is there anything you would like me to do?" I asked her.

"As a matter of fact, yes I do. I need you to sit int this chair" She pointed to a big, black,leather chair."And let me try my new make-up on you". .Not make-up! I heard sniggering from downstairs. I guess Eddie heard my thoughts.

"Sit" She growled at me. I sat on the chair and let her play around with my was done after a couple of long, boring,scary hours."Look in the mirror Emmett." I looked in the mirror. I WAS BEAUTIFUL! I heard a whooooooshing noise and, Rose, Jasper and Eddie were staring at me with there mouths open. "Oh my gosh, you are gorgeous Emmett" Edward whispered.

"How?" Rosalie looked at Alice.

"Expertise" Alice answered

"Glug...er...lo....huh?" Jasper sounded like the toilet backing up. Oh well I don't care because I'm beautiful.

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**HEHEHEHEHE **

**Review Please**

**Luv you all.**

**Gwennii-Twilight**

**Partners with OMEAMC**


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